I don’t really know where to start with this post. I hate ‘emo’ style blog postings full of negativity and feeling sorry for myself, but I think this might end up turning into one of those.
Originally, I set up this blog so that I could separate myself from work. I thought it would be a place where my friends would come to see what I’ve been up to when I’m not working, (which isn’t very often!). It has probably turned out to be one of the worst things I’ve ever done.
In recent weeks, it has become apparent to me that certain people that have called themselves friends only ever seem to have something to say to me when they are disagreeing with something I’ve said or generally being sarcastic. Lots of these people, (I don’t want to name names because I would end up being as pathetic as them…), seem to use the internet to ‘hide behind’ when they make these comments – they’d never make them to my face. Some of them I haven’t seen for months and this seems to have been the cause of most of the problems.
Firstly I have no problem with people who have a different opinion to me. The world would be a dull place if we all shared the same opinions and I like having debates with my friends. However when the only time some of them speak to me is through disagreeing and being sarcastic, I have started to wonder if they were ever really friends in the first place. It’s made me really sad.
Certain people seem to have taken offence at the fact that I haven’t seen them for months, when these are the same people who only ever bother talking to me when disagreeing with something I’ve said over the internet. I work more hours than most people in the country and I do this for practically no wages. We have a mortgage to pay and plans to fulfill – like moving to France. Why is it that when you run a business from home people just assume that it’s an easy life? This year has been a particularly hard year for us – if I hadn’t of worked as much as I have then we would probably have folded a long time ago. I can’t let that happen – most of our plans to get to France involve our business working and that means I have to work hard to make it happen. I don’t get a day off; sometimes I’ll have an afternoon free because I work hard in the morning to get things done, but that afternoon I like to spend doing things I don’t normally get a chance to do – like enjoy some peace and quiet, and some knitting or painting! We don’t go out in the evening because we are both usually shattered and need to get up early to start all over again the next day – yes, I start work at 9am like everyone else. Despite working from home, my working day can be 14 hours of non-stop work without a lunch break. Some people don’t understand this – or don’t believe me – and it really offends me, and makes me feel so negative, especially since I’m working so hard so that eventually we CAN have a life and afford to go out and enjoy ourselves. I feel like these people think I am making it up or lying to them, which makes me wonder if everyone just assumes I’m a lazy cow who sits on my arse all day – and that upsets me. A lot.
Paul and I have done our fair share of helping people out in the past – he has always been prepared to drive people here, there and everywhere, helping people move, and we both took part in Ashford Youth Theatre – something that Paul had done for years before I joined when we got together. We both devoted entire Summer’s, (missing out on all the normal ‘coupley’ stuff you do when you first meet your soul mate – no walks along the beach, days out to amazing places etc. for us…), when we first met to the Youth Theatre, taking unpaid days off work and sometimes working in a freezing cold warehouse (without any help; just the two of us…), until 4am to make sure the production was ready. Then, when we decided to buy a house and get on with our own plans those people forgot about us. We had invites to Youth Theatre parties when we first left, but didn’t have time to go – they didn’t seem to realise that we had other friends we wanted to spend time with (like my friends from Canterbury who are the best friends I’ve ever had), and since then they haven’t even bothered sending Paul a birthday card. I am disgusted by the way he has been treated by people that he has helped out for years. He’s not too happy about it either. People here are so clique it’s scary. The sooner we move out of Ashford the better!
When we first bought the house I was very ill in hospital – I’d been ill for years (it’s all in the blog…), but Paul had to deal with buying and moving the house entirely on his own. Not one of those people offered to help him whilst I was out of the picture for months. In fact, he was invited to a Youth Theatre fireworks display – but only so he could light the fireworks – and then, once again, we were forgotten.
Then I started the business. A few months ago I wanted to make a page on our website each week/month that featured a person talking about something that really interested them. It was also a good chance for a bit of self-promotion on their part, being able to talk about their job/business or whatever, so I emailed all of our ’so-called’ friends via Facebook and asked if they’d like to take part. NOT ONE person got back to me. Not one. That’s the only time I’ve asked for help with the business and none of them could be bothered. I know that I have never been accepted into the Ashford community (and frankly, for that I’m grateful…), but this is Paul’s business as well – it wouldn’t have hurt them to make the effort for his sake, seeing as he’s spent most of his life helping those people out.
I think the point I’m trying to make is that I don’t want to see those people if they can’t be bothered to try and understand what we’re doing or show support for what we’re doing. If the only time they communicate is via the internet with sarcastic comments, I don’t see why we should have to see them, and I don’t like being told, as I was recently, that I am being ‘personally nasty’ to someone just because they don’t like my opinion. Twisting my words and making me out to be some kind of… well, ‘bitch’ is not a very nice thing to do. It’s especially worse when once again instead of telling ME to my face, they text my fiancee and tell him instead; ‘Viki’s being nasty to me on Facebook!’. Please. Have some self respect. I’m not apologising for my opinions – the person that said that never does, and once again it’s yet another person that never has anything nice to say to me. I am never, EVER personally nasty to people; I’m not that sort of person, I’m afraid. How they can say I was personally nasty to them when the first comment I made wasn’t even aimed at them is a mystery, and then when they did stick their nose in I was replying to other people that had commented as well – not just them, so I have no idea why they would make up the story that I was ‘personally aiming’ a comment at them… Although now, I’m sure I wouldn’t have any problem in doing so! (If I was that sort of person…). I think it just goes to show they had ‘issues’ with me in the first place. Some people will do anything for a row. The same person had issues with me not seeing them for months and had the cheek to bring that up in the same argument, by saying I was making excuses and not listening to me at all when I tried to explain that I am actually a busy person. I’m guessing now I don’t need an excuse not to see them – it’s pretty obvious why I won’t!
Anyway, enough moaning for the day. It seems to be becoming a bit of a theme of this blog… I am determined not to feel down about these people anymore though. We have a life to live and plans to work for, and we do have some good friends out there who have done everything they can to help us out and come and visit us because they know we can’t afford to go out or have time to. I am not apolgising for anything I have said – everyone is entitled to an opinion, and just because I used to agree with everyone doesn’t give people the right to diss me now I have my own opinion. If I was personally nasty to someone, however, I would apologise – I’m not an arse, despite what people have come to think of me.
So, this is why I stopped blogging – when I first moved to Ashford I didn’t have opinions; I happily agreed with everything people said to try and fit in and keep the peace. Now I’m starting to remember why I did that! I’m glad I got that off my chest – feel free to comment, I don’t want to put people off!
I am going to continue blogging now, and I’ll try to think about my rants before I write them, but I don’t want to feel restricted in my own little part of cyber space. No one else seems to! ;-D